we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
