I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
