I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
