In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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