I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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