using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
