am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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