make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
