just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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