I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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