One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
