I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
