fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
