Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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