so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
