Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize