Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
