I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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