Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
