fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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