I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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