The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
