you traded sex for a burrito?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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