i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
