Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
