1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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