I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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