i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
