I smell stomach acid.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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