I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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