I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
