Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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