just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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