My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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