I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
