ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
