He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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