If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
