Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Two words: blizzard sex
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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