im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
