I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
