I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
