I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
