if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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