If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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