They should really pass out barf bags in church
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
