Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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