I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
