I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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