So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize