I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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