I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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