apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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