Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
