Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
two words: eviction party
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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