Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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