My cat gives me a boner
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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