i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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