Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize