Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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