My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
