meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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