I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Sorry about my life...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize