I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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